The evening was particularly
long; the sullen stubbornness of a rain washed street, the glaring neon lights
of the motor vehicles suffused in the thick fog of a pompous weekend night out
in the city. The taxi jerked to a halt,
jolting her out of her wistful reverie, and she forced herself to step out into
the overwhelming crowd, knowing there was no escape from the engulfing numbness
now. An overpowering disassociation overtook her, and she got the feeling that
she was watching a vestigial self of her mingle with this new crowd of people –
the all too happy picture of social fraternizing – engaging in forced
conversation, and being awkwardly pushed into offering half-baked opinions
about topics she couldn’t begin to care for, as the incongruous listlessness
wore her patience thin and made her foot soles ache in frustration. Bewildered
by the ecstatic commotion of voices around her, she found herself unconsciously
looking for him again, as if her mind had a will of its own.
Now, after politely sipping on a
drink she didn't like, and lying automatically in reply that she was “fine” to
a person she didn't wish to talk to, she found herself retreating into the
farther corners of her mind, and scanning the room to catch his gaze. Not
meeting it, she was overcome once again with a specific loneliness – he wasn't
around so she could lose herself in him and by natural consequence unfocus from
the disastrously loud music drilling into her ear drums, he wasn't around to
make her feel more comfortable in her anxious skin, he wasn't around to understand
her look without explanation, he wasn't around to forgive her myriad inadequacies
– and his absence continued to burn her heart, rather like the disgusting drink
did her throat. Multiple parallel trajectories of thought, the grammar of which
eluded her understanding, wove in and out of her mildly inebriated
consciousness, threatening to overflow into the surrounding air of thoughtless
revelry. She saw the words of her incoherent yearning waltz before her dazed
eyes, mimicking the uncoordinated dance of the disco lights, the syntax of
which spilled out the pages of her mind, shaping wickedly into the luring
shadow of his smile. She fidgeted with her phone to overcome this anxiety, only
to find herself fixating on the reason behind it compulsively, her fingers absentmindedly
tracing a pattern of his name in the air. She felt as lost as the distrait drop
of condensed air trickling down the outside of her glass, stalling for a second
only to resume recklessly on its meandering course to the bottom, whereupon it
would disappear into an insignificant pool of such misfit nobodies. That is
what she would amount to in the end – nothing more than a melting puddle of
wasted desires consumed in the heat of life.
A painful couple of hours later,
she headed home, past the rambunctious gaggle of easily excited college kids,
her lonely heels echoing on the pavement, its regular rhythm reminding her of
the empty space carved out in the shape of him beside her – an excruciating
emptiness outside that dug a similar hollow within. As she turned round the
final corner to her apartment, she stopped in her tracks, willfully drowned out
the pandemonium of the city lights and the steely stares of strangers, closed
her eyes and wondered fondly of what he might be doing now – quietly absorbed
in reading, perhaps in bed, whilst plucking at his nascent beard, or simply
listening to music by the window, having shut his mind off the world for the
remainder of the night. She gazed up at the distant depth of the skies, and
wondered at the silence of the oceans, and wondered if at that precise moment, he
too was gazing up at the stars from his abode, their shared solitude binding
them together in that moment. Slowly, like a falling leaf, she felt a warmth in
her bones – the knowledge of his stoic solitude seeped into her consciousness, its
enduring spirit wrapping her in its comforting embrace. She took a deep breath,
smiling at the visceral living memory of his laugh, marveling at how intensely
vulnerable and yet safe she felt in the light of his fierce love. As she
continued to walk, the warmth of his elbow brushed against her bare arm, and
the touch of his breath whispering in her ear drove her to madness.
